February is a month known for chocolate hearts and roses. In the world of dementia care, questions such as, “what changes can I expect in my relationship with my partner?” can sometimes come up.
First of all, there is no shame in asking questions like this.
Every relationship is unique, and having a partner receive a diagnosis of dementia doesn’t mean the end of love or affection in your relationship. For some couples, it could mean no changes for many years. For others, it may mean learning to adapt to gradual or sudden changes.
It’s not always easy, but there are things that a couple can do to maintain their close bond. Working with couples for more than 20 years as a Dementia Consultant, I have noted many creative ways to keep their loving relationships alive. Here are just 3 helpful reminders I’d like to share:
Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, known for “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs,” ranked the need for love and affection second only to physiological needs. This means that as human beings, we all need love and affection to survive and thrive.
A person living with symptoms of dementia doesn’t suddenly stop wanting or expressing affection. Even someone with later stages of dementia can still feel and appreciate expressions of love. Consider new ways to give and receive affection for each other. Perhaps it’s through hugs or holding hands or a back or arm rub while watching a movie together.
As dementia symptoms change, you may need to adapt to your partner’s new comfort level, while being supportive and respectful. It could be a mushy Valentine’s Day card or plush animal or having a dance together. Even if he or she didn’t enjoy things like that in the past, they might like them now. Sometimes dementia makes a person more thoughtful, expressive and affectionate.
However, some people with dementia are no longer able to provide the level of companionship or physical intimacy their partner needs. That partner may want to seek affection with someone else. If so, understanding and non-judgments from family and friends will be needed as they work through their feelings. Don’t hesitate to seek the help of a professional to navigate through the mixture of emotions that may come as a result of these changes in the family dynamic.
Talking about love, affection, intimacy and even sexuality is difficult for some couples to do even, privately. However, talking things out, especially in the earlier stages of a dementia diagnosis, may reduce any awkward tension and improve the relationship for the present and the future. This requires both partners to have honest and respectful conversations and really listen to each other. These deeply personal and vulnerable conversations can help uncover a more meaningful layer in the relationship.
Reaching out to trusted friends and family or a trained professional may help one or both partners to obtain insights and ideas on ways to help address some of their concerns, or challenges that are being experienced in the relationship.
Some couples can become hyper-focused on dementia and its implications, specifically, their fears of the future. This causes them to stop living in the present and prevents them from enjoying each other as a couple.
Accepting the way things are now, in the present time, rather than reflecting on the past and how things used to be, may help a couple to cope better with the changes in their current relationship. Keeping the love alive may require a shift in thinking, to help maintain a loving bond as a couple today.
As well, finding time to continue doing activities together that are or were enjoyed as a couple may keep the fun alive. As things slowly change over time, perhaps new activities can be tried together, focusing on the strengths and abilities of both partners.
As a Dementia Consultant, I am inspired by real stories of hope from couples and families who found a deepening in their relationships, not despite dementia, but because of dementia. However, I also want to be realistic. There have been circumstances when the changes were too much for one partner to handle. Again, it is important to eliminate judgment as sometimes caring for someone living with symptoms of dementia, particularly for the primary caregivers, can be overwhelming and for some, even lonely.
The good news is there is help and plenty of judgment-free, safe-space support available where family caregivers can get advice from peers and experts who can relate to what they are going through.
For the most part, a love life does not end with a diagnosis of dementia. For many of my family clients, this is merely a milestone in their lives that offer opportunities to uncover new strengths, wisdom, purpose, and a more profound meaning of love.
Karen Tyrell CPCA, CDCP is a Dementia Consultant, Educator, Author & Advocate, and Founder of Personalized Dementia Solutions Inc. (www.DementiaSolutions.ca). Karen offers her expertise on dementia care through speaking engagements, workshops, support groups and by working one-on-one with families and caregivers to provide emotional support and practical solutions.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.
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