Gail Wilson had to make one of the most difficult decisions of her life. Her 88-year-old mother—a sharp, independent woman who had lived alone for the latter part of her life—was quickly growing frail. While she used to walk from her home to the neighbourhood bakery with ease, navigating the stairs of her apartment building had become a daily battle. “She couldn’t walk very well,” remembers Wilson. “And her emphysema had worsened.”
Gail knew the discussion she needed to have with her mother, yet like many adult children who were thinking of moving elderly parents, the three words “leave your home” seemed foreign, cold and impossible to utter.
When time is of the essence
A few months passed, and Gail got a disturbing call. Her mother had suffered a mild heart attack and had been taken to the hospital. Gail used the opportunity to share her concerns with her mother. But the idea of moving her mother away from her home was met with sharp resistance. “No,” said her mother firmly. “I’m not moving.”
How does a worried family member convince a recalcitrant parent that moving to a residence with senior support is in their best interest?
Tips from the experts
When it comes to broaching the “retirement home” conversation, experts like Stella Henry, R.N., author of The Eldercare Handbook (HarperCollins, 2006) say “this is probably one of the hardest decisions a child will ever have to make.” Henry, an eldercare specialist who has been featured in Time, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, says many seniors “unrealistically believe they can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives.”
No matter what the age of your parent, Henry and other experts say now is the time to begin talking about the future. If you open the lines of communication early on, she says, words like “retirement home” lose their sting later on. That’s important, considering that most of Henry’s clients approach her with little communication groundwork laid.
“Ninety-five percent of my clients come to me in crisis situations,” says Henry. The result? Confused elders, disorganized yet well-meaning children and a family in chaos.
The importance of regular conversations
Avoid these unnecessary results by having regular conversations with your parent about what the future holds. “Make it your problem instead of your parent’s problem,” adds Henry. “If you say ‘you have to do this, or do that,’ you’ll lose them. Instead say something like, ‘Mom, I’m concerned about you; it makes me worried to see you like this.’”
According to Henry, nine out of ten parents don’t want to burden their children, and they will often respond to this sort of honest communication. “Parents sometimes hide things from their adult children because they don’t want to scare them,” she says. Yet, if you show them that you are trying to be their advocate and you are genuinely concerned about their well-being, it can make all the difference.
Managing resistant parents
Barry Jacobs, PsyD, a psychologist who has counselled many people with elderly parents, knows how difficult it can be when an aging parent in need of care refuses to leave their home. While he’s quick to say there are no magic strategies, he suggests that adult children ask their parent to “indulge” them by visiting a retirement community.
“Most of us are more likely to change our position and lifestyle if such a transformation is of our own choosing,” writes Jacobs in his book, The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers (Guilford Press, 2006). “Placed under duress to change, we typically resist, regardless of the soundness of the other person’s arguments.”
“What I tell adult children is that, unfortunately, sometimes things have to get worse to get better,” he says. “It may take the parent falling or being spooked by burglars or having the electricity turned off because they forgot to pay the bills for the realization to dawn that the parent can no longer safely reside in the home. Even then, it may take the strong urging of health care providers and extended family members for the parent to accept the inevitable.”
If your parent begins to show signs of warming up to the topic, Jacobs recommends that you “emphasize the parent’s right of self-determination but also urge action.” He suggests structuring the conversation in the following way: “I can’t make decisions about how you should run your life. It would make me feel better, though, if we could go together to look at some possible assisted living options so that you’re better informed about what choices are available. Would you be willing to humour me in that way?”
If there is a willingness on the parent’s part to visit a retirement community, says Jacobs, “proceed post-haste to set up visits at local residences and point out that most will allow trials stays.”
The staff at seniors’ homes such as The Shores of Port Credit are experienced at putting reluctant seniors at their ease. A private tour, friendly interaction with current residents or a delicious meal in the dining room can help your parent see the upside of retirement living.
Dealing with the guilt
No matter how smoothly the process goes, adult children often feel guilty about disrupting a parent’s lifestyle. “Often, putting a parent in a retirement home is the most loving act that a child can do because it improves the quality of the parent’s life from medical and social perspectives,” Jacobs says. “Retirement homes vary in quality but parents often thrive in them, to their great surprise.”
While Gail admits she had moments when she questioned her decision, she eventually felt peace about her mother’s move, knowing it was the right decision. After two and a half years in a retirement home, her mother passed away at the age of 91. She credits the residence for making her mother’s final years the best they could be. “I felt like it enriched her life,” she remembers. “She was cared for and watched over. Finding the right home is so important, and we were lucky.”
Come get a sense of our food, friendliness, and our wealth of activities. We’d love to show you around our gracious spaces and then treat you to lunch.
